Posting from phone
I hate holidays. Loathe them. One of the main reasons i took my current job is because they said i wouldn’t have to celebrate them in my interview. That matters a lot to me. Every job forces me to and tries to goad, guilt trip, bribe, and even once threaten me to celebrate them. Please stop.
I will not go into why i hate them. I have talked to many people. I have talked to professionals over it. There is no helping this. To get help you have to be able to see the light. There is no light, only chilling darkness. Trying to show me the light only reminds me that, for me, there will never be light. I feel cold. Next to a heater in my jacket. I’m cold. Not because it is cold but because of how cold the darkness is.
I don’t matter the rest of the year. Please let me not matter this season. These days especially. Y’all don’t want me around until you feel obligated to by a day. A day that will always bring pain and suffering.
Not to be. That is what i wish. Every holiday i just want to be alone. Imaging what it’s like to be dead. The nothing the void. To not feel. To not desire. To not wish. Then how happy everyone will be.
Just not today. Every day I’m ignored. Its fine. I serve no purpose. I know i don’t matter. On the day i want to not matter please let me. It’s cold where I’m at. Not physically cold and yet I’m physically freezing. This passes. Once the holidays are over. Then I can go back to not mattering without a question.
Please, let me sit in the cold. You grow numb until heat comes.
I know I’m the bad guy. I know where i belong.