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People often ask me why I do not do New Years resolutions. I really don’t see the point. I prefer to just have goals and stick to them in my day to day life. I also do not believe in the whole “New year new me” shit. It excuses you of shit you did last year and you’re putting your faith in a number changing. Nah fam. I will fix my shit and change how I am throughout the year to improve.

I may not see the point but I get the point of doing a resolution. You want to fix your stuff and set goals to improve your life. Jan first just makes it the easiest way to measure yourself. You can see progress over a year directly compared to actively keeping track. However, I think that is the negative of resolutions. When you don’t have to put in that small bit of extra effort you already give yourself a lazy out. I also think people put too many goals or too big of goals without a proper road map or understanding of what the fuck they’re doing.

Another fun thing about resolutions is I often destroy them for others. This is always by accident but it is funny how I destroy them. How do I do it? I ask, “How do you plan to do this?” and “Why do you want to do this?” These questions aren’t meant to harm but inform.

An example I have is I knew someone who wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. “How do you plan to do this?” at this question they gave up. They had no idea. They said “I’ll just diet and exercise.” “Do you know how to?” “Yes…” no they didn’t. When they asked me how I lost a lot of my weight and I explained the long process I went through to lose 60 pounds it was too much for them.

What was my process that was too hard for them?
First, I monitored my diet for two weeks. Here I logged everything I ate and drank. When and how much. I noticed I was drinking a lot of soda.
Second, I cut my soda intake by a can a week. This is important because if you just quit your body freaks out. Even now, I am having issues cutting soda again since I picked it up as a comfort drink again. It is very hard to do. However, I am doing a good job so far cutting soda back out of my life. I still have days where I am just drained or can’t sleep unless I have a Coke, addiction sucks.
Third, I looked back at my diet to see what else needed to be cut. Unhealthy snacks and unneeded eating. Slowly shaving this away.
Fourth, I started to cook at home. I didn’t even massively change my diet here. I just started to cook at home. Cooking at home I lost a lot of weight with too even though I was eating the same shit. I just knew what was going in it and was able to control it.
Fifth, I cut down on how much I ate.

Eventually I just started to lose weight and a lot of it. Cutting soda and cooking at home just had me shedding weight. This entire time I did not go to the gym, go for walks, or anything. It was pure diet control. By the time I started to go to the gym that was actually to just improve my cardio and general health. At this point the gym wasn’t even causing me to lose weight. I gained muscle and my weight loss started to crawl because I was turning fat to muscle. However, it picked back up again.

This is what I mean when I say the “How” question ruins people’s resolutions. A lot of people just say they’ll do it and think minimal effort will cut it. Think “I can just go the gym and lose weight” No, you gotta do a lot more then that. You have to improve each aspect that is causing you to gain weight. Right now I am trying to get down to 70KG and I am starting this up again. I am monitoring what I am eating, trying to cook back at home, and do it all over again. I got a lot of weight to lose.

Next the question of “Why?” “Why do you want to do this?” often people have no real answer or a horrible one for why they want to do something. I remember one person wanting to find a girlfriend as a resolution. I asked why. The dude said so he can stop being lonely and learn to love life and have a reason to live. Yeah, fuck that. I had to tell him he was looking for a relationship to fix his issues and would instead just cause way more. That he needs to fix that shit himself first then find a girlfriend. This is the thing people need to realize. When we make a resolution we also need to have a good reason why we want to do it and a plan on how to do it.

It also needs to be obtainable within your power. I have seen a lot of people say they will get 1 million subs, 10k subs, 100 subs, or whatever on YouTube/Twitch/Social media of choice. Look, this is not an in your power obtainable goal. This is up to the whims of others. You should never put your resolutions or goals into the hands of others. You can do everything perfect and one bad algorithm change, off joke, or new person coming up could ruin everything. I am actually writing a piece on my dissection of YouTube’s algorithm. Which was dissected so much my Google AdSense account was banned over it. Different topic.

I’d also just advise against any that rely on your internet presence. That’s just my personal suggestion.

With all this said I am continuing my goals from before the new year:

I am trying to lose weight.
Why? So, I can find clothes that fit easier (half joke) and so I will just be healthier. I want to have a family of my own. I can’t die early due to heart disease or other issues and leave my family in trouble. It will be better for me. My body will hurt less and I will live a better life.
How will I do this? With the steps outlined above and getting back into a work out regiment. I am setting up a workout system at home to get my body ready to going back to the gym and jogging outside. I am also working on finding a trainer/class to go to.

I am trying to finish my RPG.
Why? I have been working on and off for on this for a bit now. I really want to finish it and get it out there just for me. I do not expect this game to even be played or take off in anyway past like 10 people. Even that I am pushing it. If I manage to sell a copy I’ll actually be happy. This’ll also help me get back into programming and designing. Which can be the jump start I need for Alien Outkast Studios.

How will I do this? I am writing my design document. I am organizing it. I am writing pseudocode again and trying to get everything operating. I am trying to price out music, art assets, and software needed. I am documenting what I can and doing what I can do get this started. Everything is going slow right now but I am shaking off the cobwebs. I have a lot of things I need to convert between files and organize in the main design document. To get everything easily accessible and legible.

I am trying to publish my first story.
Why? I’ve been writing things in private for a while and never finished due to the fear of being laughed and rejected. So, this is just me conquering my fear. I want to get over this fear because I actually like to write but I am so terrified of showing it to anyone. Even writing up blog posts is a challenge for me. Oddly enough these have helped.
How will I do this? By writing a small story that I have already outlined and mildly fleshed out. I am working on fleshing it out now and writing it. It’s not going to be written in a traditional story sense. So, this’ll make it easier to write. It will help me get used to writing, feed back, publishing and all that again. The story will be free and available here. More on that when the time comes.

Learn more Chinese.
Why? 我在中国。I am in China. Life will be easier when I can learn to read and speak.
How will I do this? Study and attend my Chinese classes regularly. I am already doing a better job of studying.

With that I want to say happy new years and if you have a resolution try to make it realistic and plan it out. It’s okay to fail but don’t give up and do your best to make it possible!

I actually wrote this four days ago. I just never got on my laptop to publish it. In those 4 days I have lost 1 KG. Almost finished getting my design document organized and I am doing better in my Chinese classes.

Title is a The Faint song. Just felt right.

Many people have asked me through out my life where I’ve gone. Why did I just leave? There’s a few reason but I will be going over why I vanish online from time to time.

Many do not know this but I’ve been doxed quite a few time on the internet. “Doxed” means to have your information leaked online. Usually this is an intimidation tactic. Many people do not think having your name and city out there is a big deal but you would be surprised with what information you can dig up on someone with just their name and even county. I’ll make a post on that later as I used to do that professionally for flood determinations. Again, later date.

Why was I doxed? I got too cocky, jealousy, lulz, to silence me, because I was the wrong political affiliation. Many reasons. Due to repeated doxings at a young age there is actually a good time frame on the internet where every website I signed up to had a unique email address, user name, and password. I signed up for tons of sites under various names with newly created emails from all providers. Gmail the least because they started to limit new accounts the most. There are still websites I can go to and have not a fucking clue what my username or email was.

Now the few stories that stand out:
The first time I was doxed I was about 10 years old. Maybe 9. Some guy thought it would be funny to dox me because I was a mouthy asshole on these forums. Yeah that caused me to delete my account, swap user names on everything, and even ditch some internet friends for fear of how the fuck he got my info. Now, when this guy doxed me he knew I was 10. He still did it. He then kept attacking me. He even signed my home address up to a lot of spam. This guy I later found out was in his mid 20s. Like, he followed me across websites. He would try to get people to go to my home. A few people joined him in harassing me but ultimately I just went dark. Before swapping usernames on everything I just went dark. He got bored finally and left us alone. We also luckily moved, not due to him, during my time going dark. Which is why I went dark actually.

This event taught me no matter what your info will get out. Friends will leak your shit. Also no matter what your crime is people will punish you infinitely harder then what you deserve. Was I an asshole on the forum? Yes. Did he drive me off? Yes. Is that an acceptable level of punishment? Yes. Community was happier with me gone. However, publishing my info was not needed. Especially when I was 10. Dude was in his mid 20s. People online do not stop at online damage. Remember this. They have never stopped.

Next time I was doxed I was 14 or 13. Here I was doxed for being a left wing nut job, or libtard as the common phrase is. Which is funny because my left wing views didn’t come into life until much later. I just said let people fuck who they want to fuck as long as they are legal. This caused some right wing wacko who I have no info on to dig up all my info. Dude got it all. Then not content with just harassing me he dug up shit on my family. He would call my sister taunting her. Bringing up some super traumatic stuff that happened in her past. The dude did not relent. He called a lot at all times of the day and sometimes night. How my older brother never got involve I have no clue. The dude kept fucking digging into my family. With 0 demands. Just to show me whats what for believing it’s okay to be gay. He managed to get someone to actually knock on our door. I answered it and told the person to fuck off after he brought up that gays don’t deserve rights. I then called the police because I was scared. I actually have no idea why this guy stopped but he did.

What I learned from this is that some people take religion and politics way too fucking serious. See why I don’t talk about it too much on here. This is still the worst experience I have ever hard with doxing and that is counting the time people tried to get me fired from my job.

Next we have the time I was doxed for being a right wing whack job. Noticing a pattern already? This time I was doxed for saying that communism can’t work because people are inherently selfish and that affirmative action is a crutch that does nothing but hamper businesses in the current world and tells black people they aren’t good enough to be hired on their own without daddy government. – Yes, this is a very right wing ideal. I know.

This dox led to people trying to get me fired. The funny thing is the job they were trying to get me fired from was my own on the go tech repair I started at 16. I would repair people’s computers or teach them to download porn for money. Fuck it, I had games to buy. This basically amounted to nothing but it showed me the vast difference of right vs left doxers. Right side fucks with you and your family until you all break. Left wing just tries to get you fired so you starve. Both are fucking awful but the left wing one can easily be dealt with if you are on good terms with your manager/hr, or own your own business. Second time jobstuff happened was when I worked at Domino’s. My mom’s BF was the manager. They weren’t getting me fired especially because all phone calls are recorded and logged under our IDs. So, HR could prove they were lying.

Finally the last doxing I will talk about is my favorite. Here I was doxed for standing up for a friend who later turned on me because… actually no idea why. He thought doxing wasn’t a big deal then I showed him what you can get with the info and I told him how to fix it. However, to buy my friend time I agitated and went after his doxer to be a bigger target. My friend did what he needed in time. At this point I just changed my Facebook display name and let the guy fail to work. So, he was able to get my name. Big whoop. The dumb ass did what I thought he was going to do and was surprised to find out there was 0 info on me. This is because officially in my old city I was homeless. My information was not on record. In fact, there was no info of me living there for a few months. The guy became obsessed with me and eventually gave up as we used his YouTube channel against him. shit was funny.

What this proved is being homeless rules when it comes to doxing. Also that when someone is attempting a dox to you and you can use their YouTube channel to dox them back, privately I might add (kept the info), and use their YouTube channel to show them breaking the law and stalking children to their homes (not a lie) over a guy not giving you the stop sign. Funny part about that is someone else had the scene on video and showed the jack ass trying to dox me was in the wrong. I love when the internet comes together. sometimes. This also showed the mentality of doxers. They are power trippers trying to right some wrong even though they are usually wrong. This guy was insane and someone later reported him. Dude has been awfully quiet since the police came a knocking.

So what does this have to do with me going dark? Well, after numerous doxings I just get tired of it. When I get too popular or too much attention (positive or negative) I bail. I just leave. I do not want the headaches anymore.

I’ll also bounce when I feel like I am no longer needed or wanted. I tend to annoy people. I end welcomes quick. I know. So, I’ll leave. Between not wanting to make someone feel worse and not wanting to get popular enough for a target again I’ll just bounce. Even here. My last post before my “Just not Today” one hit over 1k. I’ve been getting some high hitting posts now. I panicked. However, here I am. Now, I am trying.

Posting from phone

I hate holidays. Loathe them. One of the main reasons i took my current job is because they said i wouldn’t have to celebrate them in my interview. That matters a lot to me. Every job forces me to and tries to goad, guilt trip, bribe, and even once threaten me to celebrate them. Please stop.

I will not go into why i hate them. I have talked to many people. I have talked to professionals over it. There is no helping this. To get help you have to be able to see the light. There is no light, only chilling darkness. Trying to show me the light only reminds me that, for me, there will never be light. I feel cold. Next to a heater in my jacket. I’m cold. Not because it is cold but because of how cold the darkness is.

I don’t matter the rest of the year. Please let me not matter this season. These days especially. Y’all don’t want me around until you feel obligated to by a day. A day that will always bring pain and suffering.

Not to be. That is what i wish. Every holiday i just want to be alone. Imaging what it’s like to be dead. The nothing the void. To not feel. To not desire. To not wish. Then how happy everyone will be.

Just not today. Every day I’m ignored. Its fine. I serve no purpose. I know i don’t matter. On the day i want to not matter please let me. It’s cold where I’m at. Not physically cold and yet I’m physically freezing. This passes. Once the holidays are over. Then I can go back to not mattering without a question.

Please, let me sit in the cold. You grow numb until heat comes.

I know I’m the bad guy. I know where i belong.

A lot of people look at my RPG characters and find them weird. I can never make a normal character, they say. What brought this about? I was talking about table top games on Twitter and it reminded me of one of my favorites: Dylan and Maxwell.

What is a table top RPG? It is a game where you make characters and pretend to be them in a world the game master creates. They decide what you come across and you decide what you get to do.

We were playing a zombie game called Dead Reign. The GM, game master is the person in charge of the game, was asking us about our character backgrounds before he’d finalize our characters. My friend was an ex police officer turned detective. Another a doctor in the bad side of town spending his nights fixing up addicts and fighting them off on his way home. The other friend was just a drug dealer. Me? I was a veterinarian student.

Before I continue onto my character I need to explain some things. Dead Reign is a zombie apocalypse game. However, the GM told us we are starting on day 0 and we had no clue what zombies were. Like not even in pop culture. We actually asked that question. The class I chose gives you an animal companion and the skills to take care of animals. I had to choose a real life job where I would understand animals and have one. However, I also needed a reason to know how to shoot guns. This is where we get back to my character.

I didn’t know he was going to ask us our backgrounds. I didn’t know we needed one to prove why we knew how to use guns. I mean for fucks sake the game took place in South Carolina. People shoot for fun there. Dylan was a vet student. However, in class one day he fell asleep and shit his pants. From then on everyone at the school bullied him and the girl he loved was grossed out and made fun of him. He decided to go to the gun range to learn to shoot. Why? He was planning on shooting up his university. Maxwell was my dog.

When pressed on this I explained he focused mainly on rifles with secondary on pistols and never really learned how to properly use a shot gun. Just load and blast. When the GM looked at my character sheet he saw this displayed in my points for each weapon. The GM laughed, as did my friends, and asked if this was my background. I said yes. He said this is the first time he had ever had school shooter as someone’s background.

Why did I choose a school shooter? Simply because I needed something that made sense. For me I tend to make characters that make sense, aren’t god like, and have serious flaws. Dylan was easily manipulated and had a distrust for the law. He was also argumentative in situations he thought he would be safe in. So, why would a guy who spends most of his time studying and taking care of animals know about guns? School shooter. I could’ve done more but it fit with his easily manipulated personality and argumentative cowardliness nature.

I’ve done a lot of weird characters that had flaws. Like, I had a character who would forget everything he’d hear, not read, 5 minutes after he heard it. Then a hour later he’d remember it but the time frame would be wrong. For instance, he would think you told him it last year, 7 hours ago, what have you. If you said something like “Meet me here at night fall” he’d think you told him that a month ago and just never show because he assumed he missed it a month ago.

The deal is he played with a lot of “edgy” goth types and the “darker” types. He would constantly try to one up us on “dark” shit when we were just fucking around being us. Frequently he said we were the smartest group he played with. He also loved our attention to role playing.

What about the title of this post? Well, I’ll combine that story here too.

Dylan met up with the drug dealer and became friends. I forget how but it made sense. The detective I was standoffish against. Doctor I mocked because he couldn’t identify animal meds for people. Then we all had high IQs in the game, except the detective. Well, he had a IQ of 140. Ours were all 200+. Every single one of us mocked him and called him retarded or Radio. That’s besides the point. So, I didn’t trust Radio because he was a cop. I was a planning school shooter. I was afraid he’d try to stop me when I was shooting. Radio and I were never around each other often.

When we were driving through the woods on a bus a tire went flat. We stopped and tried to help the driver. At this point we had seen no zombies. We didn’t know what was going on. We were rushed into a bus and told to put our shit under the bus. Guns were allowed. So the drug dealer and I try to break into the underside of the bus to take our guns and sneak them back onto the bus. When we hear a rustling from the woods.

Out runs a zombie and starts to bite someone. Sorry, not a zombie. A bear. We didn’t know what they were. We just saw people get taken down and eaten in the woods. We called them bears. Luckily drug dealer and I had our guns so we were able to open fire and get others back onto the bus.

Detective:”What the fuck was that?”
Dealer:”Nigga that was bears!”
me:”That doesn’t look like any bears I’ve seen.”
Doc:”Maybe a meth head. We see them often.”
Dealer:”Nah nigga. We wuz in the woods. That shit be bears.”
Doc:”May..”
Dealer:”NIGGA METH HEADS DON’T EAT PEOPLE!”

That is when we dawned the term bears. They were not zombies but bears from that point. Every special zombie we met we came up with some bear name for. Like Papa bears, moma bears, polar bears, grizzly etc… Later a person who played Dead Reign before joined us and kept getting mad that we had our own names. Every time she would use the book terms we called he a retard. Mostly because her IQ was 90 but also because she was meta gaming. That is knowing things you are not supposed to know.

So, one point we got a bunch of spray paint. We spray painted on our bus “Fuck the bears”. However, we kept writing over it with random shit. “Bear the fucks” was ultimately what we landed on. That bus was a mess.

Lately I have picked up watching Mac Repair YouTuber Louis Rossman’s NY real estate adventures. He often brings up the outrageous prices for renting empty buildings in NYC. For me this is really interesting because I have always been confused by real estate prices. What do you mean? Well, let’s go over it!

Before leaving the US a lot of my friends were starting to buy houses. My friends are all mid to late 30’s. None of my friends in their late 20’s early 30’s can’t even dream of owning a house. How did this happen? However, a thing I noticed is many of these friends all have mortgages that are 25-35 years. Meaning they will be either 60-70 until the house they bought will get paid off. They will have to work until then unable to retire. HOW!?

All of these friends that bought houses have great jobs: cloud engineering, programmer at Microsoft, programmer at Lockheed, professional hacker for a company to test their software and fix it, accountants, and such jobs. As you notice all of these are amazing jobs. I have friends who are programmers who can’t even afford to buy a house, as a FYI. They will have to pay off their house, and student loans, for a long time.

How did this happen to people with great jobs? “Affordable loans”. A comedian I listen to once said “NEVER ASK FOR AN AFFORDABLE LOAN! THAT IS HOW THEY FUCK YOU!”. This is the truest thing ever. See loans weren’t always this long. My grandparents paid off their house before I was born. “Oh but that… ” shh…. They bought the house after my dad was born. My grandmother used to tell me about how she would stay in the tiny apartment and take care of my dad for the first few years of his life, same with my uncle. My dad had me in his mid 20s. So, let’s say they had paid off the house in 20 years.

5 years may not seem like a lot but there is a big reason for me to bring this up. My grandparents are both Mexican and grew up picking fruit as kids to help their family. My grandparents were not rich in the least bit. My grandfather, until he had to retire due to health issues, was a janitor. My grandmother worked random jobs until she landed a job as a secretary at MENSA. I don’t even think my grandparents graduated high school, to be honest.

Why the 5 years? Well, houses were priced correctly that anyone could afford them. My grandparents worked menial jobs and were able to pay off their house in 20 years. My friends with college degrees working as engineers and accountants have to take loans that are 25+ years to pay off their houses because the housing market is insane now.

This is why you need to stop saying you want things to be affordable and switch to “priced correctly”. As houses sky rocketed due to the late 90’s early 00’s housing boom they never actually sunk after the housing crash in the late 00’s. Something that should’ve happened. Some how they just went up. What should’ve happened is the prices of houses should’ve sunk hard. Instead banks are just giving you longer loans. A house that should be 15-20 years to pay off now takes 25-30. This way you are paying less per month but more over time. Everyone wins, except you.

Not only are houses taking longer to pay off they are climbing in prices to where friends working as engineers can’t even afford an amazing giant house like people could in the 90’s and 00’s. The costs of houses has drastically gone up and instead of fixing the prices they just extended loans making them take longer and longer to pay off. If this continues I am sure our grandkids will have 40 year loans for houses.

I’d like to point out. My grandparents could afford a house working unskilled jobs. You can’t even dream of paying for an apartment, or a family, working such work anymore. Go ask your grandparents, or great depending on how young you are, what they did after high school. How did they buy their house? What job did they have? I have found asking many senior citizens a lot of them just got jobs out of high school with 0 training and paid for a house with no issue. Even the ones working unskilled jobs were able to do so.

How does this relate to Louis Rossman? NYC is having an issue where 500 SQFT businesses are costing 8000 a month, or more, for rent. People can’t afford these places. There are places that have been vacant forever, according to him. Rent has gone up as costs of everything else has too and income has dwindled. People can’t afford this shit anymore. We are not like our grandparents. Able to buy up things for cheap and afford a life with that.

Take from this what you will but understand that simply “getting a better job” isn’t anywhere near the leg up people had before.

This is something that has bothered me for a while. Why don’t phones come with screen protectors? Actually, why doesn’t any touch screen device come with a screen protector?

I’ve asked this before and many people have given me responses that make no sense. Most of them just spout “costs costs costs!” but a high quality screen protector costs like $2 to make. A reason why you see them for sale at $5-8. That’s pure profit. Cheap ones cost like $.70. Besides if you are paying for premium phones those companies can spare the $2 of profit.

Another thing about this that makes no sense to me is how every company talks about how they want to reduce “e-waste” by removing essential things like a charger. Also just say waste. You want to reduce waste. “e-waste” is a BS term and it bugs me. Any who, putting a screen protector on the phone would actually help cut down on waste. How? Well, all the companies that sell screen protectors for every phone would need to reduce inventory drastically.

When you buy a screen protector you often get it in a cardboard/paper package, extra plastic covering, a plastic bag, two peel-able plastics, paper instructions, and sometimes hard plastic to level it. So, by providing a screen protector the companies are cutting down on all of this waste.

“Oh but it’ll just be in the box!” No it won’t. Just apply the screen protector at the factory when you are making the phone. No more extra crap with your cheaply made screen protector. Not only that you don’t have to apply it anymore, or ask that one friend who can actually do it.

The funny thing is I said “why does no phone” but my phone did. I know it did because the screen protector is applied correctly on it. Also because I was amazed at it. It saved me $5 and reduced waste. Then I remember my old Blu phone. It came with a screen protector too and two cases. One shock absorbing case and one flip case. Both cases were hella ugly but I used that fold one. Man did that one help my screen drastically and also reduce waste too. This Blu phone had third party cases but they were rare because everyone had two with the phone. So, it was just the pretty ones not a generic black like I have on my current phone. Screen protectors were impossible for find for it, however. Waste reduced.

I understand that if phones came with a case they wouldn’t really stop much waste because people aren’t like me. A lot of people buy cases to customize their phones. I just buy a shock absorbing one and call it a day. Usually they are black but that is because the black ones are cheaper. However, for people like me including this cheap plastic to just absorb some shock would reduce waste too. That’s less plastic cases being made which means less packaging to go with them. I don’t know the costs but for my current phone I paid $5 for its case. They can’t be a lot.

It sounds weird when you think about it, but why don’t they come with a screen protector? It’s simple and would reduce waste, sorry “e-waste”. Which the tech industry loves to say they are doing their best to reduce.